Thursday, July 19, 2007
the one about me being too scared
I think I lack courage.
Courage like the courage Sherilyn possesses enough to fly off to unknown territory and claims it as promise land. In fact, I kind of admire her. Seriously, put me in her shoes and I will most probably pee in my pants.
Figuratively. I WAS entertaining thoughts of flying away for the next few years to do my bachelor's on foreign ground. Of course, there was the usual squabble over money and the issue of whether I was capable of taking good care of myself but I had my sandcastles in the air at one point. Give me credit, the ever Singaporean local girl actually contemplated flying away not just for a holiday but for a greater purpose. Still, my plans did not even get past fertilisation, conception was all they could last to.
I was just thinking, what if I had picked up from the conditional offer by the University. Do I really want to go? Can I go? Will I survive? All these thoughts are just going to be buried with reality this coming August. I'm going into local university which my brother says it's better. I don't think I might be offered module exemptions given the silent response from the school which means I will finish one year later than my fellow peers. It's going to be more theoretical than practical, which I might not be able to adapt to all at once. I don't know what I really want to do upon graduation NOW that I'm going for this degree instead of the other.
I'm feeling at a loss at the moment. I mean, I was sure of where and what I wanted to do months ago but now it seems that some things have changed. I STILL want to work at Prisons but as what? I seriously have no idea what the future holds for me. I only know that God will only light the next step I'll have to take.
It's quite intimidating if you think about it, going into something having no idea what's in store for you at the other side. It's quite sad if you think about it too. I have plans to like marry and settle down at 25 but currently I'm still very single and available, I have no plans to get attached if it's not God's will and I don't have a future career path I want to pursue.
Seriously, I think I have been too sheltered all my life to break free. Maybe it's fear and trepidation. Maybe it's just me, being another perfect model in this mundane education system of Singapore. Or then again, maybe I really am scared of falling short of this system. Or perhaps I am afraid of what I am able to accomplish.
12:21 AM