Wednesday, August 29, 2007
the one about extremist me
Uncle (Brother, Pastor) Sam told me this 3 years ago, just as I was about to leave Tampines SPD for Woodlands SPD: "Joycelyn, you take things very extremely." Somehow, that has always been a trait in me, but perhaps I could not find the exact word to describe it until Sam brought it up. It has to take someone older and wiser to point out what has been so evident in me for so long.
I guess I am very 'extreme' to some extent. Given a situation, most probably I will take one end insetad of sit on the fence. There is perhaps no grey areas when it comes to circumstances where I find myself stuck in. And should I face any failure, I most probably will not dare to venture out in that area till some time later. If I lose trust in someone, highly likely that person will never get it back.
If I love, I will give forth all my love. If I withdraw back, I will not leave any trails behind. If I am entitled with a task, I will put in my heart and soul. Which explains why I'm putting in every bit of my strength into school and all my other committments, and leaving perhaps little or none for other things.
Like what I was telling Jerelyn on Sunday, I have nothing left to give now in terms of a romantic relationship. I am not exactly nursing over my break-up which happened almost 5 months ago, but I just don't have any more attention to give in terms of a relationship. On top of it, my full attention is devoted to my studies, ministry and my family and friends. And although sometimes you do wish for someone to be there beside you, in terms of more than "just friends", but somehow I don't see that happening for me.
Because I am an extreme person. I take things extremely. I don't consider my last relationship a failure because it led me to see eventually that there is no future and that I should not waste any more time in it. Yet, to me, I don't think I can entrust myself to another relationship. Or at least, not yet. Or maybe it's because I can't picture it, or then it's my extreme me telling myself that perhaps I really don't deserve better.
Jerelyn will tell me that I do deserve better. She will tell me that when the right one comes along, I will be taken out of my extreme and negative perspective. But you see, I don't seem to believe that.
Well, on a happier note, I'm still joyous joyful Joy. Was, is and always will be!
6:20 PM